I went to a lovely retreat-style event in London last summer with one of my best friends. It was filled with cool, interesting women, the sun was shining, the food was delicious, and I was enjoying a rare afternoon off duty and out in the world. This was a good day.
Lex and I don’t get to be together as much as we’d like due to LIFE and geography, so we were doing a mix of chatting to new people and grabbing time to catch up. The latter always involves a combination of breathless laughter and at least one of us making an emotional breakthrough that makes us cry. We know how to have a good time.
When we’d dried our eyes and started to get to know people, a woman sat next to me and asked “So, how do you spend your time?” and that right there was a game changer for me.
Because the default opener when meeting new people is generally “So, what do you do?” And with that comes the assumption that we’re going to talk about ourselves in terms of how we make money.
I’ve often found that question difficult, and particularly since I’ve had children.
For a while it was because there was a disconnect between what I did for a living and how I wanted to define myself. I have a journalism degree but I wasn’t doing all that much writing for work, so I decided that made me a failure. (I was wrong, but that’s where my head got to). So when people asked me what I did, I would skate over my day job and then give a messy, apologetic explanation of my plans to change things. As if anybody cared at all.
I went part time and took up freelance writing, which helped reset the balance and I felt better because I was doing a broader variety of work. But I still struggled with ‘What do you do?’ because I didn’t have the confidence to see what I was doing as enough. Sure, I was writing, but I wasn’t in this magazine or on that website, so was I even really doing it? Blog writing doesn’t make me any money, so that doesn’t count, does it?
It took me a while to realise that if you’re writing, you’re a writer. It can be online, in your head, in 400 scattered notebooks around your house, whatever. There are a whole host of ways to use writing skills to build a career and to just express yourself, and all of them have value. The second I accepted that, I relaxed and started having more fun and appreciation for the benefits of bringing creativity into your work and life in a variety of ways.
And then I became a mum and after maternity leave I changed my set up so I had two days at home with our daughter and three days for work. There’s such a mix of ways parents manage childcare and paid work, and an extremely varied level of understanding about what being at home with small children entails. So it’s little wonder that I - and I’m sure many other parents - have sometimes found it tricky to explain the breakdown of my week.
My two days with our daughter (which I now spend with her younger brother while she’s at school) were/are precious and fleeting. They’re also the most challenging and tiring days of my week by a long way. It’s taken time for me to learn to speak confidently about the different roles I play for our family and the value they bring us all.
That’s why I love ‘How do you spend your time?’ so much. Because it makes it easier to do that. It allows all elements of your life and personality into the room and broadens the multitude of ways we might form connections with one another.
I’ve thought about this a lot since that event last summer. I really like the balance of work, time with our children, and creativity in my life right now, and I feel so lucky to have it. We can’t make people understand our situations, but we can stand tall when we talk about them, and own the spaces we take up while doing whatever makes sense for us.
I think the world is gradually getting better at acknowledging that people have many interests and responsibilities going on at once. But there’s still room for more openness about the variety of activities that inform who we are. Inclusive questions like this are such a great way to help make that happen. I’ll be making this my go-to conversation starter from now on.
I, too, love this. However, remember, you don't owe anybody anything - including explanations. If you are happy and healthy and your situation works for you and your family, then it is none of anyone else's business.
Yes! I love this x